Your Strength is Fooling NO ONE

I'm strong. I hear it all the time. I say it all the time... but it's a flawed comment.

May 13th and 14th are two of the four worst days of the year for me. One is the day I discovered the truth behind my marriage. The other was the day my kids had their lives changed because of it.

But here is sit, at 2:00 in the morning on May 14th, unable to sleep and totally unable to shake the uncertainty that roles around in my head. I feel like yesterday, my hurt was compounded by it being Mother’s Day. You would think that that would remind you of the blessings you still have in your life. For me, it was just another holiday that will forever feel different no matter how I try to disguise it. What’s funny is that I was dumb enough to think that my kids thought I was okay. Wow, was I wrong.

How do I know?? Just mere hours ago, I was putting my daughter to bed and she started crying. I asked her what was wrong and her response wrecked me…

“I just feel so bad for you.”

Those were the sobbing words from my 7 year old. 

Of course I went into protective mode by telling her that yes, there are days that are extremely hard for me but that that was not a reason for her to hurt for me. She needed to know living life this way wasn’t her fault and that her and her brother did not make it harder. 

I’m 99% sure she didn’t believe me. So, like I said, here I sit at 2:00 a.m. wondering how I have screwed up so much that my daughter believes she is more of a burden than a treasure and also realizing that we have yet another holiday ruined. It hurts my heart more than anything else and I know I have to get to the truth of the situation and fix it. And how do you do that??? You look at the facts!

Fact #1. Your Strength Is Fooling NO ONE!

It’s almost annoying to me how much I am told how strong I am. Deep down inside I know I can barely keep my head above water. It’s bone chilling to realize that the tough girl persona I have safely in place is nothing but glass to my children. It’s completely see through and has the ability to shatter if hit in just the right way. Yes, that glass keeps me protected. But you can’t forget that even when you are strong and protected, that hurt and struggle can still be seen by those who truly look at you for who you are. They see the truth; they see your hurt. 

Fact #2. Glass Is Better Than Steel.

Nothing is harder than knowing that your hurt is visible to the outside world. I honestly haven’t written on this blog for months because my circle of influence has completely changed and my circle of friends are basically gone. (Yep, I said it). I’m in a world of being more alone than surrounded and those that I am in the closest contact with really know nothing about me! I’ve been safely tucked away is a suit of armor, but me being suited for protection helps no one. Glass is better and oh so much harder. Glass is where I cry at the drop of a hat and where I have to see my own hurt that I still carry. A suit of armor protects me even from myself. But hard truth… healing is not an option when you play the tough girl. 

Fact #3.  You Have To Let The Glass Shatter. 

You have to be real. You have to let the “I’m fine” response go. I have one friend that truly has stuck with me through everything and oh my word… nothing pisses her off more that to hear me say “I’m Fine!” It’s her first clue that I am anything but fine and too stubborn to say what I really feel. Saying that I’m fine is my way of stiff arming her and telling her to back off. And I get snapped at every time! She does it because she loves me, and I know that. But I appreciate it because she forces me to be real. She forces me to shatter the lie I want to hide behind, and that is the most real and loving thing she could ever do for me. Sometimes I hide behind my own glass. I tell myself I’m fine and not because I want other people to think it, but because I need ME to think it! I need to believe that I’m over everything I have been through. I have to shatter that belief and I have to accept that it’s okay to not be okay.

Fact #4 Admitting You Aren’t As Strong As You Think Takes MORE Strength Than Pretending You Are Fine. 

My therapist told me I was one of the most stubborn woman she’s ever known when it comes to forcing strength to overcome a situation. She said it’s an amazing character quality. She also told me that eventually it would bite me in the butt. It bit hard when I realized that powering though doesn’t just give you a pass on the situation. There is no gold star or participation trophy. You have not overcome anything. You made it through the day without breaking down. That doesn’t mean that you won't have to deal with the same hurt tomorrow. 

This entire blog site is about walking through the wilderness of your hurt. Pretending you are fine… thats where you are chillin' in the mirage of what you WANT to be true. Eventually that mirage will fade and you will find yourself in the sand again. 

Today, I’m back in the sand and kicking and screaming about it. I’m not fine, but I know I’m still strong. I know that hurt and strength do not cancel each other out, they go hand in hand with each other. So I’m going to chose to see that conversation with my daughter as a blessing. I’m going to choose to see it as God giving me a wake up call that it’s time to get back to work on my heart. It’s time to lean on Him again in a way I haven’t in a while. It’s time to clothe myself in truth, to be the woman of God I was meant to be, and to stop pretending I can do this on my own. Because clearly, I can’t, and to be honest, I wasn't meant to!